This week’s Borowitz report:
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The United States of America, a nation with a population of approximately three hundred million people, totally accepts that the next President of the United States can only be selected from two families.
In interviews conducted across the country, Americans acknowledged that, while the United States boasts many exceptional people in the fields of technology, business, public policy, and government, none will be offered to voters as candidates because they do not come from one of the two families deemed eligible.
“No doubt about it, there are a lot of great people out there who could be President,” said Stoddard Vinton, of Toledo. “But I guess our system of choosing people from just two families has worked out pretty well.”
Leslie McEdwards, of San Jose agreed, that, while “it would be cool” to choose a President from more than two families, “on the plus side, we voters don’t have to learn a bunch of new names.”
“This country is facing unprecedented problems, and it’s going to take some fresh ideas to solve them,” said Doug Chessing, of Grand Rapids. “I’ve got my fingers crossed that someone from one of those two families can do it.”
The fact that the current President, Barack Obama, belonged to neither of the families “always felt kind of weird to me,” said Halynn Cross, of Knoxville. “He tried really hard and all, but, after eight years, it’ll be nice to get back to someone from the two families.”
In one of the strongest endorsements of America’s two-family system, Rick Keelins of Albany said that he is “sick and tired” of people complaining about it. “At least we have two families to choose from,” he said. “A lot of countries, like North Korea, just have one.”