Finally back in Ithaca. We went to Walden Pond today (where Thoreau wrote Walden) and it was a really nice reclusive sort of getaway.
The woods around Walden Pond are really dry and nothing like the woods in Ithaca. There are a lot of chipmunks there and moults of some really huge louse looking ant that was really scary. we also saw pink pitcher plants! that was really cool.
Played Contact all the way back in the car which was fun. I’m starting to enjoy his company and understand that it is enough, to be kind. I usually don’t expect much of people, so to find kindness in someone should already be a bonus. But I expect more of intelligent people, I expect them to be fully aware of how to behave in front of other people, to be able to perceive other people’s needs and meet them, simply because they think more, and what better things to think of than how to meet other people’s needs? If you are an intelligent person who is oblivious to your surroundings and insensitive to the people around you then I believe you are consciously making a choice not to care about the well-being of these people; there really is no excuse for clueless behaviour.
One thing that really irks me is when I tell people I don’t want to have children, and they tell me I’ll change my mind when I get older. I haven’t changed my mind about much since the day I was born. If you made me restart my life like in Wind Up Knight, I can guarantee I’ll probably commit all the same mistakes again. Do it all over pretty much exactly the same. How patronizing can one get? I’m not sure why I’m expected to change my mind when i get older/married. My marriage will be a shambles and I’ll get totally bored of liangze? I will feel a primal urge to procreate and advance the human race (as if it needed any help)? I’ll feel a sense of duty to his family because he’s the only son? None of these are good reasons to have a child. And I think any child is entitled to have parents who wanted him. If I don’t like kids now (and haven’t for the most part of my life), why should I suddenly like them and develop maternal instincts? I have plenty of maternal instinct. I take care of people. That doesn’t mean I like it. That only means that I see their needs, and I feel bad sitting around not doing anything about it. There’s a great reason to mother children. Guilt.
I’ll thank all of you not to assume that I think/will behave the same way as you. Just because you didn’t want children when you were unmarried and wound up having children in no way implies that I’m going to walk down that path. Just because you are pissed off because someone called you a chinese girl (which you are, if you haven’t noticed), doesn’t mean that I will be pissed off just because someone calls me a singaporean. (who really gives a shit?) Just because you need a child to feel fulfilled doesn’t mean that everyone else needs one to be fulfilled. I already have a liangze, and believe you me, he’s a piece of work. Even if I were really really angry at him I wouldn’t dump him because it took so much work to get him to be a halfway decent human being of whom I approve. (you’re probably thinking liangze is already so nice and meek etc. etc. but if ‘nice’ and ‘meek’ were grounds enough to go out with a guy i would be spoilt for choice) To have to start anew with some other chump would be too tiresome I might just resign myself to spinsterhood.
Anyway I told his parents today I didn’t want any children. I think his dad can deal with that, because he abides by the conclusion of Walden, which states
If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.
His mum would probably be quite upset (she wasn’t really dismayed because she thinks I’m going to change my mind later on), and my mum most upset of all (being the most unenlightened). I don’t think my dad cares although he’ll probably quote some unapplicable biblical command to multiply at me. My mum literally asked me once how she and my dad are going to be “promoted” if i don’t have any kids. I hadn’t the faintest clue what she was talking about. Is there a need to understand the nonsensical babbling of the self-indulgent? Not really. And of course arguing for a couple to have kids to fulfill some grandmotherly fantasy is the perfect tack to try on me. And what of the pain? And the expense? And the time? And effort? Because child-b/rearing is just a walk in the park.
That’s the second thing that really ires me: when people are obviously self-centered without even caring that they are self-centered. I really hope I’m naturally sterile. Then I don’t have to explain to all these self-absorbed people that they are being totally ridiculous.