Lol only in times of scarcity are all the like-minded people popping up!

Gosh I hope the supply resumes, or i’d be heartbroken. The eight packets i have left are fast reaching the end of their lifespan (if they haven’t reached it yet.)

Life has been in some upheaval lately. Things seem to keep changing over here, I can’t even keep track of what is going on or what I am feeling. At a certain point i just sit back and let life happen to me without really paying attention to the details. It’s amazing the things I can do in autopilot:

1. play piano for church
2. book hotels in italy
3. take michelle around budapest
4. finish watching series 6 and 7 of peepshow
5. bear the full brunt of peepshow withdrawal symptoms
6. sulk about how shitty my grades are compared to liangze’s. SIGH

I have learnt how to delay feeling annoyed until I no longer feel annoyed. Also I have learnt that certain pictures you post on fb are “girl” pictures and will be liked by girls, whereas certain other pictures are “boy” pictures and will be liked by boys. In particular most documentary pictures are “boy” pictures and autumnal pictures are “girl” pictures. And food pictures are “girl” and “boy” pictures.

I’ve also been slightly unhappy with my fb habits recently. I feel like I’m morphing into a c*****, when i post pictures and wait for people to compliment me on my pictures, and then thank them, all the while feeling pompously self-satisfied. I definitely don’t want my id to persist in its baseness and hanker after human approval. I am an able photographer and an able post-processor but I don’t want people to take notice of me, and I don’t want to be so insecure I need people to like what I put on fb. For the most part I’d prefer that people completely ignore me and help to cure my self-absorption. On the other hand there is a little wiggling seed of doubt that if nobody likes my pictures, I am worthless.
So I don’t know if I should keep posting them. It seems so easy to fall into a certain c*****-esque personality where people adore your work and you mistakenly translate that into adoration for your self and feel doted on when the reality is that nobody really cares about either you or your work at all.

The main reason for my starting to post pictures (like travel pictures) on fb is like this. We used to publish our travel pictures under liangze’s account for the benefit of his parents and my mum (he is friends with all of them, ever the diplomat) (i wasn’t even friends with my own mum until recently). In a skype conversation with liangze, his father (or mother) said, “You know, Ivana took two really good photos in this album (out of the many, many noteworthy photographs we had taken of scenery and mountains etc.). The first is the one of you at the top of the mountain talking to us on your handphone, and the other is the one of you with your two new toys that we got you for your birthday.” That was it! All my skill, neatly condensed into two shots of my boyfriend, who is cute, but not that cute. That was also when I realised that his parents really only want to see photos of their beloved son, and all the 风景 is secondary. I could have taken him posed against a garbage dump, or in his room, or just waking up with his awful stubble, or snoring with his mouth wide open, and that would still be the best photos in an album with the seven wonders of the world. Also I think lengthy albums annoy adults, they don’t want to look through albums and albums of people’s photos. So we started dividing the documentary shots into his albums, and the scenic ones into mine. Previously when all my shots were in his albums, I didn’t really care if nobody liked them, they weren’t my business anymore. But now I care. Because it’s under my name. Somehow in my twisted mind I’ve managed to equate liking my photos to liking me. What strange new manner of arrogance is this?

The long hiatus in posting is also in part due to my hovering between writing my posts in italian and losing whatever little is left of my readers in exchange for getting back in touch with my favourite language of all before I go to Italy and completely disgrace the intensive language education afforded by Cornell.



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