10 things you hate oughtta know about me

1. In virtually all my relationships I always wield a little more power than the other person. a while back i was doing a brain sex profile online on some BBC website and there was one question that went something like this. If you were given $50 and had to split it with a friend such that the only way you get to keep the money was if your friend agreed to the way you split the fifty bucks, what fraction would you ask for? and I said $35. and the majority of the answers were <$25 so as to be profitable to the other party. but it doesn't make any sense to me! the other person should be thinking he's lucky he gets anything at all and just take whatever amount i offer him, because, he could very well wind up with nothing if he disagrees. but apparently the rest of the world thinks like Scott Adams.
My relationships operate that way too. I always take a little more than I give, but I give more than your average friend too. So if you compare what you profit from me as a friend to those of your other friends, you will probably get more from me. But if you compare my NET worth to you, you might see that more is demanded of you than what I am willing to give you. And the alternative is getting nothing at all. You decide. I personally feel that you’re lucky to get anything at all but I understand that it’s not always easy to see how that might be true. Moral: Parity is pretty much a gone case in any relationship with me. just perish the thought. you will be much better off than if you were to hanker after fairness. of course, you could hope that i would change. hahaha.i won’t stop you. :D

2. I am used to boys fawning over me. Or just giving in, either because the issues are never that important or because they love me more than they love being correct. Or most of the time they are just plain wrong and concede superiority of thought without much of a fight. I’m not saying my thoughts are superior, i’m just saying i’m used to boys conceding that because in the past they all have. I don’t know why it has never been the other way round (i.e. my fawning over them) even though that’s what you see in all the j/k-dramas. lol. i think i just can’t be bothered and fawning is quite stupid although i won’t actually say no to getting it :P

3. I like saying “no” to almost anything and everything else. so it’s good to ask me questions you know won’t have a hope of acquiescence. things like “can we have a threesome?” or “will the Riemann hypothesis be proved in the next five years?” or “is hongquan hot and manly?” etc. (sorry darling, last time, i promise.) just so i can be contrary. if you give me softball questions like those i may be less contrary in other more important things that you actually want.

4. I have an opinion. about lots of things. oh yeah, big surprise there. So don’t expect me to cave to anything you think/say/want just like that. you can probably continue doing whatever it is you did but y’know don’t expect me to join in or approve. you just have to not care that i disapprove. :D although most of the time i probably won’t care enough to disapprove.

5. I am frequently childish. at least, with those i am comfortable being around and who i don’t mind being childish to because they are expected to take it without any fuss. it’s not always an irritating sort of childishness, it’s also naivete and innocence and easy excitement all rolled into one. but there is also the selfish genuineness – it’s not all thoughtless. apparently i grab things and ignore things with my characteristic self-absorption. like when i was staying in mingsee’s room over winter break and she just flew back into york from singapore to hang with me and it was 9am in the morning when she got back and i heard her lugging her suitcases up the staircase and i.. pretended to be asleep. well i thought it was funny, although the more virtuous of you may not share that brand of humour. when she was halfway up the stairs i jubilantly yelled “HELLO!!!!!” at her (from the bed of course) and she was completely appalled at my nonchalant unhelpfulness and told me she even tried to be quiet so she wouldn’t wake me up (because obviously when i was on winter break i -never- got out of bed before noon lol.) naturally, i just laughed in her face. as aforementioned, net profit from me is negative but somehow various people still stay friends with me with a faint tolerance and a not-so-faint resignation. i conjecture that all of them feel better about themselves when they are around me.

6. I love making my friends do embarrassing things. by extrapolation (or analytic continuation, if you will), the boyfriend will have to do even more embarrassing things for my general amusement. don’t worry, you don’t have to think of any of those things yourself, i am full of ideas and grand schemes to last a lifetime of embarrassing others. last semester i had a hankering after curry sauce from mcdonalds and dispatched mingsee and shirong who were going back to singapore to get some for me. that was such a perfect souvenir from home – doesn’t cost any money, but costs them a bit of face to go up to unsuspecting teenage cashiers and demand for sauce without buying anything like some ah-ma. or is it just my ah-ma who collects sauce satchets?

7. i am not used to compliments. i haven’t decided if i think highly of myself or not. i mean, i think i do, but i know my very human limits in various areas, like in math, or in music, or in being a christian, even in being a person. i used to think some people just weren’t worth getting along with because they weren’t of the race that knew Joseph. i probably still think that. we were discussing the other day how there seldom is anyone of the same wavelength to talk to in church (well, except sexy bexy for me) in singapore but even when we’re here and everyone is more alike (being college students in the same phase of life headed in much the same direction), we don’t interact very much with other people in church here. perhaps it’s because we’ve found each other and are essentially self-sufficient. wherefore the need to interact? well. perhaps that will change next semester. i hope it will. anyway back to the compliments thing, i haven’t really received many compliments through my life (although one might think i have, being basically a model daughter and all) quite the contrary is true. my parents (and other people, probably) judged that i was already too arrogant for my own good pretty early on and so dispensed with any sort of encouragement whatsoever (can you imagine how incorrigible i would otherwise be??). well, that and the fact that they couldn’t give two hoots about the things i seemed to ‘excel’ in. like academics or music. or perhaps they got used to it. my mum for instance would prefer that i looked like a supermodel as opposed to my having any sort of depth or poetry. to her, accomplishment = being good at the things she’s good at, i.e. being an überhausfrau ≠ mathematician. i’m sorry but that’s hardly challenging. my brain would atrophy and die. it’d be like NS but for girls. i must stop gibbering on like a senile old fart my point was (yes, i had one!) that GIVE ME TIME and i will accept your compliments more graciously. and perhaps one day even come to believe in them without having to be persuaded of their truth.

8. i used to be by myself a lot = long stretches of silence at a time because there was no need to articulate anything that popped into my brain –> often my brain could suspend activity and blank out because i didn’t have to engage anyone. well i’ve spent the majority of my time at cornell eating alone in perfect silence and even perfecter solitude so y’know, do not take silences personally. i am just listening to the world.

9. i appear pretty indestructible because of the certainty with which i say things and express my opinions. that’s just good smoking. has nothing to do with the surety of my opinions/how much they are justified. the sad fact is that i know nothing at all and make out like i do because, y’know, people will believe anything and i have a penchant for pulling people’s legs (cf point 6). and well it’s just nice to sound like you know something.

10. i am not indestructible. in fact i am one of the most destructible people i know. i feel every word, action, nuance, look, tone, unspoken thought keenly. and i’m not stupid, not everything has to be articulated for me to get it. this one’s for the guys: just because you don’t say things doesn’t mean we don’t know what you’re thinking. not that we have a big comprehensive chart to which we match your every expression and tone of voice (like we have the time!) but sometimes things are just very obvious and do not have to be spoken aloud. so unless you are an impeccable bottler i’d suggest you not do it at all. if you are going to be sad or think mean things about me pls do it more indiscernibly. i hurt easily, i cry easily, touch me and i will break. it’s not like i want to feel this deeply, that’s just the way i’m made. sometimes i would that i didn’t feel anything at all, For the world’s more full of weeping, than one can understand. no it’s not fair, that i treat people like they’re indestructible yet demand that they treat me with caution. (but we’ve established earlier on that parity is not gonna happen anytime soon) i also don’t demand that of everyone. i just wanted one person, to come along and implicitly get that i need to be cared for more than i let on, and who’d actually take care of me, all things withstanding (i.e. the above list) because he could see the vulnerability and helplessness and sensitivity and melancholy beyond my poorly clapped together facade. how was i to know i’d fool everybody?

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

p.l.d.
***
bah. back to analysis. am writing an epic paper about the gamma function that is less than half done and due tomorrow. more on that another day because it is just cool.

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