Di nuovo

2 new things i did today:
1. shovelled snow! off chris’ driveway. it promptly got covered again in the afternoon coz it’s been snowing nonstop for the past what, 48 hrs? there are people in the dickson/ckb courtyard building igloos.
igloos. we saw ‘em when leaving the blue lounge and it was wicked cool.

2. shaved someone’s chin. it’s surprisingly difficult, but i did good, i think. learnt all about machs and how they work, which should come in handy for crosswords.

i wanted to write about big gestures.
and how i hate them.
absolutely hate big gestures.
it reminds me of a past where super-clingy guys tried hanging on to me when i’d pretty much lost all interest in them, and they’d do big, “sweet” things trying to emotionally manipulate me into being back in love with them. so no big gestures please. i don’t like it when people (insensibly) spend too much time thinking about how to please me, as if i am worthy of that kind of expense. there are a very finite amount of things that are worthy of fixation and i don’t happen to be one of them. you can pense about philosophy and religion, or music and poetry, but to lavish all that thought on a single human person? all that energy and attention? what a remarkably small world one must live in! i guess i hate anything that reeks of desperation, anything that makes someone i want to depend on look pathetic and small and dependent on me.

on a separate note, i’ve realised why joy takes so long to trickle down to me. to some extent i can’t believe that it’s real, and i don’t want to give myself into any emotion that may not last, to any emotion that has the potential to cease, leaving as quickly as it came. i am anne after marilla’s reproach – why spend all your time and energy and soul anticipating something that has the slightest possibility of disappointing you later? not only will all your waiting and wanting be for nought, you will feel worse than before than if you didn’t care at all. after not caring for many years, it takes time recalling what joy felt like.

love will creep up softly on me, and suddenly,
it is just there.
when i never knew it was, when i never thought it could be,
it was just there.
surprising me with its presence, its permanence, its joy,
such joy as takes getting used to.
***
today’s italian vocab (dating trap!): eventualmente.
if you ask a girl out in italy, and she tells you “eventualmente”, it’s not a cue for you to get yr hopes up.
‘eventualmente’ means if necessary; there is a faint but only remotely present possibility of her going out with you (i.e. only under coercion) and is nothing like its english cognate.

Aspettiamo un altro viaggio, un destino, una verità
E dimmi come posso fare per raggiungerti adesso

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