Every move must be intentional. Too many people get together to please themselves, to do what seems fun/exciting/romantic/spontaneous at the present moment. If people played bridge like that their contract would go way down. Every move in bridge is intentional. You discard to minimise your losers, you draw trumps in order to cash in your other suits later, you spend your queens to finesse the aces. Even the very first card that is led has to be intentional.
It’s the same in love. one must think about what goals you’ve got. what your relationship is aiming to do, to end in, to accomplish both for yourselves and also for other people. and what it does not aim to do (i.e. explode spectacularly, become excessively exclusive, etc).
It’s tiring to do the setup, and I must say it’s far more tiring for him than for me since my parents/bible study leader are conducting interrogations (as if he doesn’t have hw/rehearsals) to find out whether he is good enough for me. whether he knows his stuff, whether he is spiritually mature enough to lead in the rship and whether he will hurt me. Because they know how much i will invest in him and they don’t want me to invest in someone unworthy. Strangely enough his parents aren’t interrogating me. because obviously it’s a given that i’m good enough for him hahaha. the only criterion they have that i know of is that i must be able to cook. ha! that’s a non-issue. although as i told him my cooking will totally be wasted on him coz he eats anything, so i’ll just cook lovely things for myself and make him maggi mee. (Y)
Setting up is all about boundaries. You’d think that entering a relationship is a union, and it is. but it’s not a union where you smash everything together like unthinking children. It’s a union with boundaries, boundaries that will be systematically and gradually broken down. Why boundaries? Boundaries create meaning. Boundaries denote respect. Boundaries are for commitment. Love was never about instant gratification. It’s work. But work that will be worth it.
And that’s why I love him.