No vacancy

I’m craving lemon tea.
grah. i suppose i could make it myself.. but i want the artificially sweetened ones that come in cans that they sell in the vending machines at church (tpbc)!

anyway. i recently got an email where a friend told me she was kinda drained by the amount of effort she had to put into the rship to reach out to me/ask me out/etc. since i don’t do any of those things.
i was sorry, naturally.
i’m good at making people love me.
what i’m bad at is actually reciprocating the sentiment.
it’s not like i do it on purpose. why do you think i’m so antisocial? because i don’t have the energy to keep up with so many people on the deeper level i want to know (only certain) people at.
i don’t reach out to people because i’m full.
i don’t want people to like me because it kinda sucks to like someone and not have that person like you back (to the same extent). and while i don’t like them enough to match the amount they like me i do like them enough not to want them to feel bad because of that. i can quite safely say i am liked more than i like others, if only because i am lazy and it takes far less effort to be loved than to love.
mingsee asks if i intend to leave a trail of pining schoolboys/old italian men after me wherever i go.
oh, the pain of popularity. and i don’t really think i am popular. i just think a lot of people out there are far too indiscriminate in the way they make friends and while they can afford to be (they like surrounding themselves with lots of people, they don’t care much for intense rships, they equate solitude with loneliness.. etc.), i can’t. and obviously it’s easier/more logical for them to reduce their effort i.e. like me less, ask me out less.. whatever than for me to increase mine! i don’t even mind. if you are one of those feeling drained by my apparent nonchalance why don’t you try hating me for a bit or giving up on me? i guarantee that you will feel more gratified and i won’t be the less for it it’s a win-win situation. resignation is the common thread binding all of my friends. if you can’t do resignation, chances are we weren’t meant to be.

i need a gadget of some sort, that can scan my brain and give it to me in percentages how much each individual in my life means to me, since i can’t seem to appraise that by myself, and i really want to allocate my efforts accordingly.

still remember the time the mahjong gang came up with our heart percentages. we assigned each friend we had a certain percentage of our heart. there was a group of 5-11% which included carol, hq, mingsee, and mingwei (who cried bloody murder when she found out she had a lower percentage than hq). clara has 5%, because we had a pact to give each other 5% of our heart (of course barter trade was allowed). i think i took a whole 40% for myself :D the rest of the mahjong/mep people were in the 3-5% range. and none of my family members got a share :P or maybe i made them share a collective 5%. there was a certain excess left that i needed to spend on people i meet later on in life, of course, and i have dipped into that.

don’t you love it when things are so clear cut? in those days you could just walk up to anyone (although i suppose i was the only one who did) and declare “you have 5% of my heart” and they wouldn’t be insecure about their worth because it was a fixed value.’ (even if it was a small value)
there used to be a subdivision of my contact list entitled “5%-11% people” but now it’s all under “Favourites”.

look how spare it is! blocked/deleted everyone so there are only something like 40 people left and half of them are from cornell.



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