Education

tu me manques tellement.
Je dors debout, le corps exposé à toutes les apparences de la vie et de l’amour et toi, la seule qui compte aujourd’hui pour moi.

why does this happen now? it’s so distracting, i have to read 2 math papers tonight, and they aren’t easy papers either. and study for italian, and there is all this to deal with, which i brought upon myself i guess.
twenty years on this earth and i am still some dumb teenager. think like one, act like one.

perhaps you’ve grown, grown older, and more wary, tempered by the pain of loss. more reticent, more introspective, more thoughtful.
what have i grown to be? i am devolving into a child. started out wary, wary of the world and everyone, wary of how much it might bore me, how much it might hurt me, without actually being able to cope with the loneliness that wariness brings thither. i am max tivoli.
i am such a child.
i wish i could stop being a child, and start making the right decisions, intelligent decisions that wouldn’t cause anybody any hurt. you are undoubtedly far less confused than i am, and to a certain extent, more vulnerable than i am. because you’re on stable ground (presumably), and i am the one fumbling around in the dark, with the potential to damage.

i can’t help wondering what it’d be like. i’ve been wondering a lot recently. i guess i’m really out of touch with all this relationship biz and can’t make head or tail of anything now.
couldn’t sleep
and wouldn’t sleep
when love came and told me i shouldn’t sleep.
bewitched, bothered, and bewildered… am I

about two months ago you gave me a snapshot of how different things could be. and in that two months, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking. it probably didn’t look like it to you, because.. well because i’m shy and i don’t show affection easily to guys. in fact i probably seemed more distant than ever because i didn’t know how to act around you anymore. cornwell would say that the interpretative filters changed drastically after that – each gesture takes on new, different meanings and is recontextualised.

do i suffocate you? do you ever get jealous? there are a million and one guys in my life with whom i interact frequently by dint of my major and the groups i’m in.

i wonder which i’ll die of first – my cough (which is really becoming more like pneumonia than the common bronchitis), or the sleep deprivation due to my cough.
out of cough syrup, and that’s the second bottle. will need to go to the pharmacy again tomorrow (even though it is clearly not working i need a placebo). my friends should hurry up and become doctors so they can send me truckloads of quickfix drugs for my every malady.

if this were the end i don’t think i’d mind very much. it’s not like i’ve got much ambition for the rest of my life, and i guess this is as good as it gets. sure, there are plenty of things i haven’t done, but somehow it seems like enough. i’m tired of the coughing, my chest hurts, my eyebags are getting worse because i’m not getting any sleep, nobody could really care less, so what’s the point of hanging on? so i can do that next problem set? thrilling.
anyway if it really happened i’d be the fifth cornell death this semester. which is how i always pictured my end – without fuss, a mere statistic. liang ze says we should all give one close friend our fb password so when we die they can update our status with something like Thng Ivana is dead. lol. only i’d probably want something more lighthearted like Thng Ivana has kicked the bucket. or something. that would be awesome. i don’t suppose my friends would enjoy the humour much but i would haha. (i still haven’t friended my mother there i must be the most unfilial daughter ever daoing her mum on fb. well but i know she has a penchant for netstalking so.)

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