the one thing i am good at is loving. doing little nice things for select people is something i am good at. thinking of what is best for them, how to make them feel special, wanted, and loved. the problem comes with the ‘select’ in the people i choose to love, because they are not many.
i guess while i am good at loving the bad thing about me is that i am perfectly conscious of when this loving has no returns. i guess you can view it economically – i know when to stop loving someone, when i should not bother anymore about the well-being of a person, when my love is taken for granted. i mean i know as a christian we are to love everyone without any expectations, without any conditions, but there are limits, and it is possible to give too much of yourself. at least i have learnt to identify that and refrain from loving people when my love is tinged with expectation, when it should not be. there are other times when it isn’t though, and here are some examples:
1. when i help you with your school work i don’t expect any sort of return from you. it’s likely you can’t help me with mine, and i don’t need food or anything like that (you shld really take a look at my overstocked pantry i am struggling to finish all the snacks i’ve bought in case i have no time for lunch. mint oreos ftw!) i will accept some any sort of repayment from you though (regardless of whether it’s useful to me) if only to make you feel better about taking up my time (which i don’t mind, especially when i have it). but i don’t need something in return. i don’t want something in return.
2. when i give you something for your birthday i am not looking to get something back from you – that’s not how it works! it makes the whole gift-giving so… commercial. i give you a gift because i like you and i want you to know that you are important, which is why i remembered, and because it’s your birthday and i want you to feel special on it, not in order for you to repay the ‘favour’ when mine comes around. i do not think that far.
3. sometimes i will ask you to go to things, or go for things you ask me to go for – this is my way of including you in my life, because i think you are special and worth keeping as a friend. and when you do go for them with me i know how to take care of you and your feelings, most of the time. if i don’t or if i overlook you it is quite likely that i am not bothering, rather than being unconscious, about your feelings – because i bother about only this many people, but i bother well.
one thing that is important for people to realise is that this love is not from myself and it is God’s love being manifest in me. i would think it quite clear that by myself i am incapable of loving others, especially those who have read my about page. i am a misanthrope. people annoy me, typically with their inane natter. i hate kids, i hate teens, the only people who i deem tolerable are old people, because they’ve been through life and don’t run their mouth off without thinking and are usually as grumpy as i am. so the only reason why i do what i do for you, and for anyone else, is because i want you to know that God exists. and an old humbug like me can actually love other people, because He first loved me.